i spiraled all day

*

When I was in a habit of writing on my substack daily, while I was in graduate school, I was committing my self to making the time to write, while also using the writing to put off other tasks I inevitably hoped to prioritize. Specifically, I was putting off the writing and research for my dissertation.

I hesitate to commit to a weekly commitment because I don’t have anything to say really - at least nothing that isn’t a rewritten passage of the previous thoughts. today - or lately - i’ve felt incredibly stuck. stuck in bad negative cycles, stuck in a job that makes me unhappy, stuck with the choices i’ve led that have put me here.

And I know I’m being dramatic. I’m stuck being dramatic as well.

I don’t know how to get unstuck. I’ve noticed that sometimes I just let something jolt me awake, that for a period of time at least, lead to a change in my habits, change my perceptions. And I’m sure there’s more of a catalyst than that, more than a change in the calendar, or my sleep patterns and an actual realization, I just haven’t made the effort to note it when it happens. And that means I don’t know how to unstick myself from my unhealthy thoughts and attitudes and - dare I say - actions.

I wish I could figure out a way to be positive about circumstances within my control and then begin to try to be positive about circumstances beyond my control, because there are a lot of those too.

I know positivity wouldn’t fix the problems in actuality, but it would make living with them for the time being a little easier.

And I think I would be able to have more fun too.

Just a few things:
It’s the end of July and I forgot about my summer bucket list until today.

My social media addiction isn’t getting any better. It’s getting worse.

I’ve seen a lot of movies in the theatre lately.

I read two great romance novels last month.

I got a new phone and a new blue case for it.

I’m pretty loyal to my bink water bottle. maybe i’ll get a new lid for it… or the car cup holder… or the 36 oz bottle…

I was tempted to buy a new bag and resisted.

I got a monogramed ll bean tote for a bachelorette gift.

I had a matcha that I enjoyed the other day.

I forgot about my july playlist until right now. four songs as of right now.

Good pizza and sweet moments with friends and getting a few things done that i’ve been putting off.

Typing that all out, thinking about all that, made me feel like 5% better. Which I’ll take. Maybe 8%.